Confusion is driving me crazy

I’m scared to death

I am a believer of coincidence. But sometimes when I find myself in a position where the universe seems to have conspired events to come together at specific moments, I wonder whether everything is really pre-planned and that the world speaks to us in discreet methods willing us towards our natural paths.

In the end, right or wrong, I am choosing to leave and to go to a completely new foreign place where I risk being the saddest loneliest person on earth leaving behind sunshine and security. Many may tell me that I am doing it all wrong, but I will never know until I do it and even if it was wrong, mistakes make us grow as people and I quote my friend ‘I never regret, when I find myself in danger of regretting I just be awesome’. No he is not Barney Stinson but when he said that, I realized I did not need to ever regret, so I am choosing to take the risk and to go experience something new, something potentially scarring to my young heart. But this is what life is about, is it not?

I have been caught in a somewhat self imposed torture at war with the world over whether or not to stay where I am or to move to another country two continents away. It was hard because I did not expect to find myself caught in the situation and even after convincing myself to stay, there was always a voice whispering how green the grass is over at the other side.

Though the decision making process was long and hard and most importantly emotionally draining not only on me but on my parents and my poor housemates, I kind of anticipated it, I know myself, I know how I am with decisions. It took me 7 months to be at peace with my choice but I wasn’t surprised by the journey. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I didn’t expect the in between moment to be so difficult.

You see, the exact situation I am in is that I am changing universities moving and not only that but in the middle of the term for the one I’m currently in. It’s always hardest to leave in the middle of something isn’t it? Like in the middle of a movie, or a class, or a religious mass. Everyone shoots you a dirty look condemning you to hell. But it’s never that bad because you know once you’re out of the doors you’re free and that they’ll soon forget about you and you them.

When its life you’re talking about, it’s not so easy. It’s because you’ve made plans, your friend’s have made plans, and life naturally makes plans for you. You’ve constructed a future that was going to last at least three or four years and decorated it with dreams to keep you motivated. I did all that because I thought I wasn’t going to take the other path, I knew what I was going to do on Tuesday nights, and Saturdays and what I was going to do for my friend’s 21^st. But that all don’t mean a thing now that I won’t be here to see it happening, and now I’m caught in the middle of my two new lives, what my current life soon to be my past and my future life soon to be my current.

Its agonizingly redundant here in the in between almost like purgatory as I feel myself consciously pulling away one thing at a time from my current life. Its odd how I’m choosing which ones I’m choosing to leave last as I choose to leave others earlier. I have to make this choice because if I do not stop engaging in activities, I may become too attached and change my mind once more. No, I can’t do that; I’m not going to let the fear seep back through into my veins.

And through that, I realised that slow goodbyes are the worst because they force you to understand what you’re saying goodbye to. They corner you so you can’t escape looking at it face to face eye contact and all taking it all in knowing that you are walking away from this. It makes you doubt your already halfway choice and confront all your insecurities about leaving making you having to fight harder to hold onto your choice, because a moment of weakness may be enough to trigger the fear to tell the world that you made a mistake and that you’re not going to go any more.

I’m still not sure and I may never well be. But as I sit here listening to Maroon 5’s new song, I can’t help but relate to Adam Levine’s words as he sings,

“ Man it’s been a long night

Just sitting here, trying not to look back

Still looking at the road we never drove on

And wondering if the one I chose was the right one

Oh, but I’m scared to death

That there may not be another one like this

And I confess that I’m only holding one by a thin thin thread”

And as the melody pulls me in I wonder how coincidental it is that I discovered it just when I made my choice and that even though he is undoubtedly singing it to a lover, it so applies to me as I treat my ‘you’ in the song as me if I chose to stay on.

Then I wonder if this was the universe working in its weird ways unexplained by science and all its geniuses. And I sit here wondering what the universe is trying to tell me.

Lyrics from Sad, Maroon 5

A letter to Taylor Swift

Dear girl in the dress,

You are not allowed to be so charmingly charming unless you are not human. You are human aren’t you?

I still remember the first time I heard you, you were singing with a teenage nasally voice strumming the guitar backed by the banjo asking God if he could play it again. I remember thinking that your song was cute but it was too country.

One day many months later, I was browsing iTunes and somehow stumbled upon your album and listened to the short samples and falling in love with your songs. I rushed out to buy the album of an unknown artist at the time when you were not global yet. America might have known you but in the continents surrounding it you were pretty much nobody. Fearless was the first album I ever bought for myself and I listened to it every night memorizing your lyrics in my dreams. By the time the world recognized your story telling talents through your fresh spin of Romeo and Juliet and Love Story, I was already obsessively clinging onto your words.

But your perfection refuses to stop there. I was about fifteen at the time when you serenade me with white horses reminding me to breathe the air while describing to me the best day you ever had. You dress so immaculately draping your long lithe body with beautiful clothes that frame your heart shaped angel face making me want to be just like you, glitter and all, cause that’s the way I loved you. And some how, you manage to take home way too many Grammies than your hands can carry changing people’s opinion of you of as a temporary country star cementing your ground as a true blue artist.

As the media frenzy surrounding you relieved, I decided to stay away from you. You became a sort of intoxication that I was addicted to. Then you throw your bomb at the world and I fall back into your spell.

You told us to speak now whatever may be in our hearts cause of the goodbye you wish you didn’t give in return for a rose. You told us you wish you would never grow up and I wanted to cry when I heard that song cause I understand completely and wholly what you meant. You sang to us how enchanted you were meeting the guy from across the room that we all found out through your codes that you so cleverly hid within your lyrics. And you managed to turn a horror of a night into a work of art assuring him that his lights still shine brightly in your eyes.

I adore you and I love you. I know it sounds terribly creepy but you don’t have to worry because I’m a girl and unfortunately I don’t find you attractive in that way, cause if I did I would have flown all the way to the states and stalked you down, get down on one knee and proposed. Yep, but that’s ok, I won’t, remember?

So now I’m here waiting for your next release of an album while being occupied by all your side projects such as the one where I thought you would fail but surprised me massively. I’m talking about the Hunger Games soundtrack, cause even though I love you I love Hunger Games too and I have an irritation of books being poorly translated on screen, and soundtracks sounding completely shit. You showed yet another side of your talents and once again making the whole world gasp in adoration. Next I find out you collaborated with BOB and I’m thinking how would that work out? I mean the last time you rapped with T-Pain it was incredibly funny but wasn’t that the whole point? But since I was a little drained from Swiftness I YouTube it and listened and oh my God what can I say? I love it!

Do me a favour Taylor Swift, stay happy and stay singing, unless you don’t want to. Fall in love with a guy who loves you back and who will never break your heart. All I want is for you to be happy. 

Love,

Someone who will not stalk you down, I promise.

How to feel be miserable in a foreign country

1.     Miss food.

I mean like really, really miss food. Remind yourself that nothing here compares to anything back home. Think about how mom always does grocery shopping and that the fridge is always stocked up and that somehow mom always gets the right juice you want and remember that your fridge is empty. Remember that you have to cook every single meal yourself or risk dying of starvation, which at this point really does not sound that bad anymore. Then look at pictures of your friends back home taking pictures of the food and swear they’re rubbing it in. 

2.     Dwell in your loneliness

Do not attempt to make new friends cause they will never get you anyway. Keep reminding yourself of how easy it is with your friends when logical conversations were not required to make you burst into laughter, roll around the ground then run around the park, yea, no sense at all. Remind yourself how you don’t even have to try and still feel like it’s the best day of your life. Keep looking at their awesome lives on Facebook back home that tell you that they have collectively moved on from your absence. Feel very hurt that it did not impact them as much as it has you but still, don’t make new friends cause they won’t get you anyway.

3.     Think about family gatherings

Keep replaying those crazy rituals and weird actions that your grandmother makes you do in your head. Think about the ridiculous amount of delicious food that would be present at family gatherings while you contemplate starvation here. Think about how silence hardly exists cause your family is so damn big and that there’s no way to be lonely cause even if you were your stupid little cousins would amuse you while they bump, scratch, claw each other reenacting some warrior movie from TV that their parents banned them from watching. And miss your cousins very, very much remembering how it felt like when it was you against the oldies rebelling against their crazy demands sneaking off watching scary movies late night, or lighting up fireworks as discreetly as possible (I know it is not possible) taking turns keeping a look out for policemen cause it is actually illegal. Miss all the company you have when you’re altogether and even miss the stupid questions you hate so much that your uncle and aunts never fail to come up with 

4.     Miss TV

Think about the familiarity of the shows and even those boring news that actually had something to do with you. Miss knowing exactly what show comes up when and those local talk shows you love so damn much. Hate their crazy accents here, hate their stupid jokes, in fact, don’t get their humour cause its so stupid it’s not even funny. Hate that their commercial sucks and think how it would never match up to commercials back home and hate how they don’t watch your favourite sport so its never on TV and hate hate hate that they call football soccer.

5.     Miss your car

It doesn’t even need to be your car specifically, but any form of transportation that is not public transport. Hate that public transport eats away from your weekly budget and hate that you actually have to walk to the bus stops, or train stations or ferry stations. Hate that you hate walking and that sometimes the busses cut you out cause they’re too full and hate how squishy it is in the trains especially at 7am and 6pm. Think about how you have to run up hill to catch the bus, then think about how the moment you reach the top is always the moment the bus leaves. Hate that the stupid traffic light takes forever to turn green and always, always makes you one second too late for the ferry that sees you running all the way from the traffic light and still leaves anyway because they have some stupid schedule to keep to. Hate it so much and think how you love your beat up four-wheel drive back home where you are the boss of your own time.

6.     Miss mom, miss dad, miss little brother.

Miss mom because she cooks for you. Tell yourself that you are never going to take advantage of home cook dinner cause you underestimated how damn hard it is to come out with a meal every single God damn day. Miss mom because she actually still peels those bloody hard boiled eggs for you and cuts mango into perfect bite size pieces and cooks the most amazingly fresh fish and prawns and remember that your stomach is still hurting cause you have nothing in the fridge. Miss dad because you’re just so scared and you don’t even know why. Miss him sending you to school on the first day even though that didn’t even happen while you were back home cause he was too busy but still wish that he did it anyway. Be envious of all those stupid young local kids in University that and their parents that pick them up and think to yourself that they’re stupid cause they don’t even have to grow up. Remind yourself that you have to deal with every single problem you face cause dad’s not here to beat that stupid reception guy up, verbally, cause dad won’t hurt people, its illegal. And of course, miss little brother. Miss how he tells you stories of his mischievious school day and how the teachers are so stupid and remember how you keep him telling ways of how to piss the teachers off cause they are stupid if they think your brother is stupid. Remember dropping him and his friends off at the mall cause your mom can’t do it and how he knows he owes you big time but you don’t mind cause he’s so damn cute. Remember how you tell him to show anyone who crosses his way his puppy eyes and melt cause his eyes are so black and make him look so angelic. Remember how he knows everything and talks to you at the level of your friends cause he’s so smart and think of all the football, tennis and whatever sport conversations you have with him cause no one else even knows what you’re talking about 

Remember all these things and never stop thinking about them. Think about them when you’re waiting for the bus, or when you’re eating instant noodles for the hundredth time in the week, or when you have to wake up at 4 am just to find out that stupid live streaming sucks and that the match you missed happened to be the match of the season and just go back to bed but start crying cause you can’t sleep and then think of your exam on Saturday and think about how its going to be your first in University and the first time no one will be there to wish you good luck or to tell you to try your best and that no special dinner will be prepared when you come home to replenish your lost energy and just realise that you are not at home anymore.

Why One Direction is taking over the world, one heart at a time

Love them, hate them, say whatever you want about them, but when their song comes on the radio in your car no matter how you try to resist, by the second verse you find yourself inevitably nodding your head and tapping your foot and humming the tune before going full on screaming the chorus while you dance it out by yourself in the car. And when it’s all ended and you realized what you did, you think just this one time. But lets admit it, it happens again and again.

One direction represents the comeback of the boy band that ruled the pop era not too long ago. Their pretty boy look, smooth and slick voices plus the heart melting never mind generic lyrics written for them just make you stop a while and listen, turn away only to come back cause Simon Cowell is so darn good at marketing. But it’s more than that.

Ultimately, their charm affects the fairer sex, or the weaker sex, whichever way you like; I’m not a feminist. Girls go crazy over them screaming in hysteria over their wave. It’s the way their hairs are so perfectly coifed and their eyes somehow pierces through your computer screen especially guy with the jet-black hair. I mean what girl wouldn’t want a guy that can sing sweet words into your ears? Here you get five! With sexy British accents! What could possibly be better?

It’s how they lived out their very own fairy tale finishing the long dreaded school years and seeking their purpose in the world and being rewarded for believing in their dream. Isn’t this what we all live for only for them its real, its happening. It’s how their story inspires to a certain extent as individuals written off the talent show only to come back stronger proving to you that old fable that says something about breaking a stick being easier than breaking a bundle of sticks, true that.

 It’s how they represent a brotherhood, something that humanity seems to be somewhat obsessed with and since it was near extinction, its comeback to attention hits the whole population hotter than an impossible heat wave reminding us that maybe being alone isn’t the best thing after all. Especially now in this technological age where countless of studies are being shoved into our faces proving how we are the saddest loneliest bunch that the world has ever seen, watching the five boys taking on the world head first together laughing, joking, running around basically being friends somehow heightens their appeal.

With lyrics like Girl when I’m looking at you, I can never be brave, cause you make my heart race and If you walk away I know I’ll fade cause there is nobody else makes me have this sense that they are here to stay. Add the fact that Simon Cowell the great is their manager, expect them to sale out concerts and dominate charts for a little longer before the motions pass through and a new wave hits mankind.

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How to become obsessively involved in sports

Trust me, when it comes to being the crazily obsessed sports fan screaming and shouting at a game, I’m a total pro. I am not exactly boasting this particular skill I have, in fact, most of the time I wish I wasn’t that fanatic so I could actually live my own life as opposed to leeching off emotions from other people’s (namely athletes) life. 

The number one thing you absolutely must definitely do is to pick a team, or a side, or a person or whatever is involved in that particular sport. Basically, do not be a neutral. That is the biggest no-no when trying to become obsessed. Picking a side makes it a hundred times more natural to go lose your mind and be completely sucked into the game. Hating the enemy usually helps too. In fact it intensifies the love and ups the level from just liking your side into loving your side and buying all the absurdly priced merchandise and feeling like beating up anyone that appears to be on the enemy’s side, they will never understand greatness on the other side.

Follow every single game that your athlete is playing. This is definitely an important step as this is where you get the first hand experience of your athlete. This is where you see them fight, cry, laugh, smile, basically just do their thing. This is where you fall in love with your athlete and fall in love with the way they play, their style, their class and this is where you cement them as a permanent figure in your life,

Stick with your men, or women. Stick with them even when they disappoint you. Watch them fall hard and sometimes even until they hit rock bottom and feel absolutely horrible with your own life because your symbol of hope isn’t holding together. Go to church and pray for them, pray really really hard and pray harder for them as compared to your own problems such as that really important exam that you really need to do well in to secure a decent future. Take in all the abuse from the opponents as they whisper words of shame into your ears. Keep your head high and take it in, you know you’re better than that cause your guy, or girl, is the best.

Follow everything you can about your athlete. Read the news, watch the news, read more news, online, on print, on social media, just read every possible damn thing, and watch their interview, watch their training just watch everything.

Be rewarded by it. Watch them come back from despair and grow from strength to strength into someone who is even stronger than they were before. Watch them learn from the darkness and conquer all that stand in their way as you see the hunger and passion burning in their eyes, watch them gain glory and success and redemption beyond all order and be proud that you stayed by their side all along and don’t even say a word to the fools cause its not even worth it.

Know that all this is worth it. The turbulent adventure of a full season, the ups and the downs, the highs the lows, nothing compares to it. Sports is beautiful no matter which sport it is. Don’t get involve if you have a weak heart, don’t get involved if you’re not willing to commit. Its got so much more to it than just that.