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An observation

One problem of being in a highly academic university is the depth of its students. Everyone is so well read, to hold a conversation with someone can be the most intimidating thing. Natural intelligence is swiped away and if the feeling of insecurity is so easily bred here in the midst of all the intellectuals. Even the church, who is supposed to be all welcoming in nature betrays hints of condescension with their lightly lined jokes of superiority. This is all the result of years of mastering and education system that feeds into intelligence and hard work. And while my own academic background strives towards that direction, it is not quite there yet. I wasn’t required to read a ton of journals to feel comfortable with my intellect. This could be a Durham thing, or it could be an England thing, I don’t know. What I do know is that, if you are planning to implant yourself here from some other far off land, and if you like me come from a less developed education system, get yourself reading. Lots.

To live without chains…

She said he said live like no tomorrow 
Every moment that we borrow
Brings us closer to the God who’s not short of cash 
Hey Bono i’m glad you asked
Life is still worth living, life is still worth living

Sometimes there’s airplanes I can’ t jump out
Sometimes there’s bullshit that don’t work now
We all got our stories, but please tell me
What there is to complain about?

Tonight will change our lives
It’s so good to be by your side
We’ll cry
We won’t give up the fight
We’ll scream loud at the top of our lungs
And they’ll think it’s just cause we’re young
And we’ll feel so alive

So I admit, I just googled the only songs I can think of and copied the verses I like. But I was thinking, why not live to my own standards? Didn’t I say that I can be easily pleased when unfettered by the outside world? So why not?

I don’t want to make decisions that are just merely “good” for me. And life has a habit of handing me rejections in the masses, am I to expect it will be any different? Hell no. But you won’t find me dejected. I am a fighter, and I will find that one thing that will suit me just fine. I know that it will be lined with pain and disappointment, but what the hell. right?

Ramblings.

So before I came back to England I popped into the Cinema to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles going in with zero expectations. I left a very happy person. It was funny, memorable with great action packed scenes, albeit lined with typical cheeseballs lines and timing, but a movie is a movie… 

Second, my house watched spiderman while having dinner last night and it was fine, made better with a million ridiculous comments along the way. Hilarious!

Last, most unfortunately, my curiosity has got the better of me and I peeked into Downton Abbey to try to find out really how interesting it can be. I haven’t stopped since, and am now in the middle of season two. I need to get off to actually read stuff relevant to my studies.

"Trust your daughters, they are faithful. Honor your daughters, they are honorable. Educate your daughters, they are amazing."
Ziauddin Yousafzai, father of Malala Yousafzai, on his advice to parents (via larmoyante)
"I will not set fire to myself
to keep you warm."

My life in the rear view,
I’m running from Jesus,
Dont know where I’m goin’ to.
Got nothin’ to lose, I’m fightin’ my demons,
Been lookin’ for someone like you,
I’ve been lookin for someone like you.

I don’t understand social rules, I don’t know how to act in social situations. Well, I guess life would be interesting for me. 

Changed, but not really

The roads, the houses, and even the cold and its rain are the same. What is different is the way I am feeling, walking down and through places I have walked pass what should be a thousand times by now. Looking through defeated, tired and worn eyes. My energy is low and the flame is in risk of dying away. Yet at the same time I feel reborn and renewed. Not sure what has changed here because if I knew it all along my choices would have been very different those first nights when I was still oh so new to this place.

Turn around and under all over you

I am trying to turn things round, seriously this time. I am going to make a real commitment to myself to live happily. Breaking the usual pattern of my previous posts, with notes of negativity spread all over them like butter melting on warm toast (mmm…), I am going to stop complaining about things. ok? 

Far to aware of my on self imposed restriction, I will try to put my full trust in God. It will be a damn tough arse for me to do, but so far reading two chapters of an additional reading reference seems to imply that this time the shit will be real. I am proud of that. 

No more whining and leaving things to last minute. Procrastination will be wiped out of my vocabulary. There are ambitious goals I am trying to achieve this time (weight loss goals, academic goals, religious and spiritual goals, livelihood goals…). But alas, I am tired of living in the dark. 

Typical Gen Y? Yes that’s me right here (as I have been enthusiastically pointing out in previous posts as well for whatever reason that I don’t know either), I don’t want to let the world define me! 

Watch me. I’ll be a happy chap this year.

Suffering.

My whole being is made up of the little pieces that has taken all of 21 years to be put together. From the way I keep my elbows narrowly by my sides at the dinner table to the way I fold the plastic bags for recycling, family traditions and habits picked up from friends, images of the faces from which they originate flashes through my mind. I wish I could tell them that even in the simplest act of my everyday life they exist.

As much as I want to, the things I do not want linger on as well. The disappointment of somehow being inferior to friends, the feeling of not achieving what my parents deserve. I am burdened by the expectations I set externally from myself. And it is killing me. 

I am seeking a sense of fulfilment that is avoiding me. The harder I try the more I wander into the wrong direction, the worst of a hole I dig myself into. Once again, my expectations are a bar to high that reality cannot converge onto it and I am left alone in a corner to lick my wounds.

But what if I threw all that away? Sometimes I suspect that deep down inside a free spirit lives inside of me, that maybe I am someone who can and should live without worry and rules and regulations and laws and societal standards… 

How do I throw it all away?